Mama Knows Best

I feel like I am drowning lately. And every time I feel like I can breathe again, something comes by and kicks me in the gut, taking my breath away. I know that worse things happen to people than are currently happening to me, but I just need a break. Mentally and emotionally, I need a break.

My marriage is spiraling out of control and about to land in a little place we like to call failure. I won’t pretend to be the most perfect wife in the world because I am far from it, but I have put up with more than a person should. And I am just about at my breaking point. Admitting that my marriage is failing is hard for me because it was not what I envisioned when I looked towards my future and now because I really did not want my children to come from a broken home.

After Jeff’s appointment with the psychiatrist today, I felt good about things. Like maybe there was a chance for my husband to learn how to be a father, a good one at that. I also figured he would learn ways to deal with his emotions rather than bully his son. There is still hope for that, of course. After talking to his grandmother though, my mood instantly turned foul and made me think long and hard about how much more I could take. I love his grandmother, as I have said a thousand times over, but her comment today is something that cannot be ignored nor can it be forgiven. She had the nerve to tell me that all of Jeff’s frustrations are not all him (as in his mental health problems), but also stem from Ethan. What the? Since when do parents control a parents behaviors? Her comment hurt me and caught me off guard, so much that I hurriedly got the kids around and left.

After the whole denial to the CNA program because of my misdemeanor, then my financial aid fall through (which is taken care of thanks to my in-laws) and this- Addison was hurt today while walking around the furniture. She may have to have her tooth surgically removed from her gums, which means she could become a one-tooth wonder until her adult teeth start coming. Sigh.

I know God has a reason for everything and I am not asking him to lift anything from my plate, but I could use help. So please, pray that God helps me make the right decisions regarding future choices I will undoubtedly be forced to make.

For now, I am on my way to curl up in a ball on my cradlesoft mattress in hopes of waking up from this entire nightmare.