Mama Knows Best

completely losing my mind.

Why is it that I have so much to say, yet am too scared to say them? I want to share with the world what has been taking place in my life the past several weeks, but am hesitant because what would people think? Would people turn their noses up at me for the decisions I have made or would they nod politely with acceptance? And if my actions were not enough to turn heads, some of the thoughts flowing through this brain of mine would be.

After the last post, I decided to hide out for a few days and re-organize my life. Everything happens for a reason and while I may not know that reason now, I do know that things will work out in the long run. Many changes will be taking place in the near future and while I do not know what what happen yet, I am excited about these changes.

• Ethan received his acceptance letter for Pre-School and begins September 14th.  To say he is excited is an understatement.  Since receiving the letter, he has been making mental notes of the school clothes he would like and the supplies he will need.
• Ethan and Addisons’ new babysitter will be moving into the house within the next two weeks.  Brittanie is an awesome girl.. she’s the little sister I never had and she’s wonderful with the kids.  I am definitely looking forward to this adventure.
• Come November, Lucas will be moving in with me, Brittanie and the kids.  He stayed with us this past winter for a couple of weeks, so it won’t be much different this time around.. he’ll just be staying with us for a little while longer than the last time.
• I crashed a four wheeler two weeks ago.  Nothing major, but it my heel is still hurting beyond belief.  The bruise, lumps and dents are almost 100% faded.  Luckily there was no major damage.
• I am looking at another new laptop, as I miraculously lost mine when J moved out of the house.  I have been looking at an Asus, but do not know enough about them yet.
• I had my lip pierced two weeks ago, but after smashing my face into Lucas’ back while riding four wheelers and then crashing a four wheeler on my own– I had to have the doctor cut the stud out.
• Have I ever mentioned the fact that during the course of this divorce process, I have hoped and prayed that Jeff would find a girlfriend so that my life would be easier?  Well, my wish is quite possibly coming true.  Please keep your fingers crossed for me, as it is the only way my divorce will be civil.
• Both kids have been sick this past week.  Ethan was diagnosed with croup and Addison is having bowel troubles again.  We’re in the process of settling all of it out, but it’s a long process.
• August 9th, Mama Bear & I will be going to see Saving Abel and Bret Michaels.  Odd combination, but we are killing two birds with one stone.  I have wanted to see Saving Abel for a while now and well, Bret Michaels is her heart throb.

Posted in Family & Friends | 1 Comment »

the walls are closing in.

I think I’m drowning
Can someone lend a hand?
Can someone save me?
Cause I don’t think I can.
~ Drowning, Saving Abel

I do not even know where to begin with this post, so I’ll just begin. Today was a very low point for me. And by low, I mean, laying in bed sobbing like a baby. Some of the thoughts running through my head scared the shit right out of me and thus began my search for some help. Or at least the thought of getting help. I am scared out of my mind. I never thought I would hit such a low point in my life, but I was wrong. And lately, I’ve been wrong an awful lot.

It is not so much the divorce bothering me because quite frankly, the divorce leaves me feeling liberated in a sense. I feel as though I can conquer the world now that I am free from him. It is the stress of looking for a job, having to ask for help and face my past mistakes. My mistakes are not something I am proud of and I was not deserving of the consequences of them, but it is there and I have to deal with it’s aftermath.

My kids have watched me hit rock bottom and for me, that has been the hardest part.  Which is why I am in the process of getting help.  I need help to pick up all the pieces, to get my head on straight and to figure out where to go next.  First up, meeting with a counselor and an attorney.  The counselor for obvious reasons, but the attorney is to help me correct one of my past mistakes.  Here’s to hoping that the next couple of months begin looking better.

Posted in Health & Safety, Jeff & Jessica | 1 Comment »

an absolutely, terrible, no good week.

Although it is only Wednesday, I feel compelled to call this the worst week in a long time. My moods have been all over the place as of late and while it was to be expected, I certainly did not anticipate it being like this. Getting a divorce was my decision and though the timing was not perfect, it was something that could not be avoided. So here I sit, diligently trying to find a way to make things better for the kids and myself.  Do I leave school on the back burner and find a full-time job or do I try to juggle the kids, school and working full-time?  Do I work part-time?  All of the anxiety and stress I am feeling right now has nothing to do with the kids or the divorce, but rather the financial position I am in.

Other things have happened to make this week one for the books, but until my divorce is final, some things just cannot be repeated.  And some of those things, oh goodness gracious, how I cannot wait to be able to share them with you and ask for opinions.  Some of my “secrets” are not really secrets from those around me, but rather for those of you who do not know me offline.  Is that messed up or no?  I want to share with you all the one thing keeping me from falling to pieces right now and it pains me to have to keep so much of my life a secret for now. So for now, I will keep dreaming about fitness equipment being delivered to my home so that I can take out all of my frustrations on the treadmill.  God knows of all the help I need these days.. and is it ever a tall order.

In case I forgot to update again, for weeks at a time, please promise me you will all have a fabulous weekend.

Posted in Health & Safety | 1 Comment »

post partum blues, almost two years later.

Almost two years ago, I gave birth to Addison. Two years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would do everything in my power to lose weight and take better care of myself. Sadly, I have broken that promise to myself several times, but I slowly making progress to get on track. Which y’all have heard me say before, but it is different this time around. I have made a conscious effort to take control over my portion sizes. I have steered clear of the prescription fat burners that some of my friends have tried and witness work wonders. And right now, my biggest push for being healthier would be the kids. They have been through so much lately and I do not want something to happen to me because of my irresponsible behaviors (regarding my weight/health).  So many loved ones have passed recently from things that may have easily been prevented due to a change in their lifestyle.  Getting healthy is weighing on my heart terribly right now and is something I know I must face.

Posted in Health & Safety | No Comments »

who needs diet & exercise plans?

Some how over the course of the summer, I have managed to lose weight. I am not necessarily doing anything special to lose the weight, but I have managed to drop down two sizes.  To celebrate my weight loss and thank me for watching their dog, my parents took me on a mini shopping spree last Friday.  Where I indulged myself in several dresses, two skirts, some tops and new under garments.  So how in the world did I manage to lose the weight without the help of apidexin, dieting or exercising?  Simple.  I finally figured out that if I monitor the amount of food I shovel into my face… I may actually lose some weight!  Genius, right?  While I may have my portions under better control, I still need to work on not eating so unhealthy and maybe no more drinking on the weekends?  Pretty sure those four-five beers on Saturday evenings may contribute to the belly. Just sayin’.  Anyway- I am feeling more comfortable in my own body these days, despite my desire to lose another thirty pounds, but hey.. I’ll take what I can get and dropping two sizes is pretty amazing.

Posted in Health & Safety | 2 Comments »

Too much fun, what’s that mean.

Lately, the kids and I have been having a lot of fun.

Two weeks ago, we took a trip to the zoo with Addison’s school. Both kids enjoyed themselves and loved seeing the animals. They were both able to feed the giraffes, walk around the petting zoo and run wild when there were not too many other people around us. Ethan amazed us all with his stories about Lemurs and Addison screamed “Roo” every time we walked past something that bounced. By the end of the trip, I was making mental notes about various other zoo’s I would like to take the children to this summer.

Last week, I took the kids to our local park. We had hours of fun up town at the park and Ethan made a new friend, who politely informed me that he would be there every Wednesday afternoon. I watched Addison try to climb up the slide the wrong way, Ethan jump from fort balconies and both kids laughing from sheer excitement to be there. Our park is nothing magnificent, but it is a very nice park still. There are lots of things for children Ethan’s age and up to do, which is great, but for the younger ones, not so much.

Taking the kids to do something special each week is a big goal of mine right now. With them gone on the weekends and me gone all day long on Tuesday and Thursday’s, I feel as though I am missing out on a lot of their life. And the guilt of being gone haunts me every time I apply for a job. I am literally developing stress wrinkles (oh, prototype 37c. how i need you.) and stress lines. I just have to keep reminding myself that several single mothers before me were able to do it.

Posted in Ethan & Addison, Photos | No Comments »

Irresponsible.

You know those moments when you want to just “screw it all?” Well, I am having that moment right now. Getting a divorce has easily been one of the most liberating things for me, but also the most depressing. When I made the decision to walk away from my marriage, I knew full well that I was broke. I also knew it was something that could not be put off and that I would survive, against all odds. I have been actively looking for work and spending as much time with my children as humanly possible. Resumes and applications are always being passed back and forth. I have not worked in over five years and the thought of working again freaks the hell right out of me. And while Jeff is willing to continue paying for things until I find a job, I do not want to rely on him financially. I want to be able to do things for myself. I want to buy things for my children with my hard earned money, I want to finish paying off our rv and being able to pay for insurance on it (once I get an rv insurance quote) and I want to be able to provide for my children 100% on my own so that I can split the child support in half between their bank accounts. I do not have to have a glamorous job and do not expect to find one right away.. I just want to break away once and for all.

Posted in Family & Friends | 2 Comments »