Mama Knows Best

completely losing my mind.

Why is it that I have so much to say, yet am too scared to say them? I want to share with the world what has been taking place in my life the past several weeks, but am hesitant because what would people think? Would people turn their noses up at me for the decisions I have made or would they nod politely with acceptance? And if my actions were not enough to turn heads, some of the thoughts flowing through this brain of mine would be.

After the last post, I decided to hide out for a few days and re-organize my life. Everything happens for a reason and while I may not know that reason now, I do know that things will work out in the long run. Many changes will be taking place in the near future and while I do not know what what happen yet, I am excited about these changes.

• Ethan received his acceptance letter for Pre-School and begins September 14th.  To say he is excited is an understatement.  Since receiving the letter, he has been making mental notes of the school clothes he would like and the supplies he will need.
• Ethan and Addisons’ new babysitter will be moving into the house within the next two weeks.  Brittanie is an awesome girl.. she’s the little sister I never had and she’s wonderful with the kids.  I am definitely looking forward to this adventure.
• Come November, Lucas will be moving in with me, Brittanie and the kids.  He stayed with us this past winter for a couple of weeks, so it won’t be much different this time around.. he’ll just be staying with us for a little while longer than the last time.
• I crashed a four wheeler two weeks ago.  Nothing major, but it my heel is still hurting beyond belief.  The bruise, lumps and dents are almost 100% faded.  Luckily there was no major damage.
• I am looking at another new laptop, as I miraculously lost mine when J moved out of the house.  I have been looking at an Asus, but do not know enough about them yet.
• I had my lip pierced two weeks ago, but after smashing my face into Lucas’ back while riding four wheelers and then crashing a four wheeler on my own– I had to have the doctor cut the stud out.
• Have I ever mentioned the fact that during the course of this divorce process, I have hoped and prayed that Jeff would find a girlfriend so that my life would be easier?  Well, my wish is quite possibly coming true.  Please keep your fingers crossed for me, as it is the only way my divorce will be civil.
• Both kids have been sick this past week.  Ethan was diagnosed with croup and Addison is having bowel troubles again.  We’re in the process of settling all of it out, but it’s a long process.
• August 9th, Mama Bear & I will be going to see Saving Abel and Bret Michaels.  Odd combination, but we are killing two birds with one stone.  I have wanted to see Saving Abel for a while now and well, Bret Michaels is her heart throb.

Posted in Family & Friends | 1 Comment »

the walls are closing in.

I think I’m drowning
Can someone lend a hand?
Can someone save me?
Cause I don’t think I can.
~ Drowning, Saving Abel

I do not even know where to begin with this post, so I’ll just begin. Today was a very low point for me. And by low, I mean, laying in bed sobbing like a baby. Some of the thoughts running through my head scared the shit right out of me and thus began my search for some help. Or at least the thought of getting help. I am scared out of my mind. I never thought I would hit such a low point in my life, but I was wrong. And lately, I’ve been wrong an awful lot.

It is not so much the divorce bothering me because quite frankly, the divorce leaves me feeling liberated in a sense. I feel as though I can conquer the world now that I am free from him. It is the stress of looking for a job, having to ask for help and face my past mistakes. My mistakes are not something I am proud of and I was not deserving of the consequences of them, but it is there and I have to deal with it’s aftermath.

My kids have watched me hit rock bottom and for me, that has been the hardest part.  Which is why I am in the process of getting help.  I need help to pick up all the pieces, to get my head on straight and to figure out where to go next.  First up, meeting with a counselor and an attorney.  The counselor for obvious reasons, but the attorney is to help me correct one of my past mistakes.  Here’s to hoping that the next couple of months begin looking better.

Posted in Health & Safety, Jeff & Jessica | 1 Comment »

Too much fun, what’s that mean.

Lately, the kids and I have been having a lot of fun.

Two weeks ago, we took a trip to the zoo with Addison’s school. Both kids enjoyed themselves and loved seeing the animals. They were both able to feed the giraffes, walk around the petting zoo and run wild when there were not too many other people around us. Ethan amazed us all with his stories about Lemurs and Addison screamed “Roo” every time we walked past something that bounced. By the end of the trip, I was making mental notes about various other zoo’s I would like to take the children to this summer.

Last week, I took the kids to our local park. We had hours of fun up town at the park and Ethan made a new friend, who politely informed me that he would be there every Wednesday afternoon. I watched Addison try to climb up the slide the wrong way, Ethan jump from fort balconies and both kids laughing from sheer excitement to be there. Our park is nothing magnificent, but it is a very nice park still. There are lots of things for children Ethan’s age and up to do, which is great, but for the younger ones, not so much.

Taking the kids to do something special each week is a big goal of mine right now. With them gone on the weekends and me gone all day long on Tuesday and Thursday’s, I feel as though I am missing out on a lot of their life. And the guilt of being gone haunts me every time I apply for a job. I am literally developing stress wrinkles (oh, prototype 37c. how i need you.) and stress lines. I just have to keep reminding myself that several single mothers before me were able to do it.

Posted in Ethan & Addison, Photos | No Comments »

Irresponsible.

You know those moments when you want to just “screw it all?” Well, I am having that moment right now. Getting a divorce has easily been one of the most liberating things for me, but also the most depressing. When I made the decision to walk away from my marriage, I knew full well that I was broke. I also knew it was something that could not be put off and that I would survive, against all odds. I have been actively looking for work and spending as much time with my children as humanly possible. Resumes and applications are always being passed back and forth. I have not worked in over five years and the thought of working again freaks the hell right out of me. And while Jeff is willing to continue paying for things until I find a job, I do not want to rely on him financially. I want to be able to do things for myself. I want to buy things for my children with my hard earned money, I want to finish paying off our rv and being able to pay for insurance on it (once I get an rv insurance quote) and I want to be able to provide for my children 100% on my own so that I can split the child support in half between their bank accounts. I do not have to have a glamorous job and do not expect to find one right away.. I just want to break away once and for all.

Posted in Family & Friends | 2 Comments »

you spin my head right ’round.

Summer is in full swing and while I have been enjoying myself on the weekends, I have also been putting off very important things and avoiding important people. I am trying to wrap my head around things still and putting together our new “norm,” but cannot seem to stay on track. So many distractions have come my way, but tomorrow is a new day and I will once again try to tackle my slacker ways and come out victorious. Or at least, that is the plan. First and most importantly is studying for a test tomorrow evening, then comes the whole catching up on assignments for my online class. Those are the two most important things at the current moment. I will worry about the less important things on Saturday afternoon while I watch the newest member of the family– my three month old nephew Bryce! Together, Bryce and I will tackle my enormous to do list, do a little bit of shopping and order new swimming pool supplies. Unfortunately for Bryce, I will also smother him with kisses and cuddles. It will be my first time watching him and goodness gracious y’all, I’m excited. I miss babies!

Posted in Cleaning, Family & Friends | 2 Comments »

Living like the Amish.

The road of life is rocky and you may stumble too,
So while you point your fingers someone else is judging you.
~ Bob Marley, Could You Be Loved

Friday night, a nasty storm came ripping through our county.  Not only did we lose our power for several days, but many people lost their homes.  I am grateful that my house, as well as Tiffany’s, is still standing and that neither endured much damage.  Not having electricity for a few days definitely sucked, but we made the best of our weekend by barbecuing, lounging in the pool and setting off fireworks.

Friday kicked off the beginning to an awesome weekend.  I took Lucas into town with me Friday afternoon to run errands.  He’s a complete pain in the rear, but we had a good time running errands.  After I dropped him off, I headed into town to watch Max’s ball game and made it home just in time for the storm to hit. Our plans of cooking out Friday evening went down the train, so we had Taco Bell with candlelight instead.  Max and Emmy fell asleep way before dinner arrived, so Tiffany and I were trying to find ways to entertain Anna without the  use of electricity.  Lucas let her shoot off some Roman Candles for a while, then Anna came in the house and had fun courtesy of my bra and digital camera.

Saturday brought better times, though we were still without power.  Tiffany and I ran some errands for her grandmother, picked up Randy, grabbed some beverages and lunch.  We met up at the house for about an hour before deciding it was a good day for swimming.  We were floating around in the pool for about twenty-thirty minutes before the guys decided to come in to town and join in on the festivities.  Once swimming became boring again, we all headed back out to the homestead to shoot off more fireworks, start up the bonfire and throw some food on the grill.  Highlight of the night included:

• Jager bombs with Randy
• Fire safety with Lucas & Randy
• Cuddling with Anna in the lawn chair
• Singing “Crazy Bitch” with Randy as loudly as possible
• Trying to disappear from the crowd, only to be followed ?
• Anna’s impersonations
• Whispering Eye
• Cherry Chapstick

Sunday was not overly exciting.  The gang came over to float around in the pool, I made spaghetti dinner and we had hours of laughter, discussing the night before.  There were things about Saturday that I wish I could take back, but then again, it is what it is.  Those moments, even the bad ones, are what makes it one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time.

Posted in Family & Friends | 2 Comments »

Another one bites the dust.

Life has thrown so many curve balls in my direction this year that I am stuck in a constant whirlwind, never knowing which end is up.  Things have been moving at such a fast pace and for once (in the last three years), I have found myself insanely happy.  My children still come first and always will, but I am also beginning to put myself first again.

Friday night I celebrated Mama Bear’s college graduation from college.  Mama Bear’s husband is a nice guy and while I know he supports his wife’s decision to go back to school, he has not always made it easy.  So for her to finish and with honors, I was ecstatic!

Saturday was a chaotic day filled with driving, my little brother’s graduation party, more driving, visiting with Melissa, visiting with Doug, Tiffany and Lucas and then home, where I crashed for the night at 11pm and slept until about 10:30am.  Something I have not done in ages!  However, my plans to sleep all day were rudely interrupted by Doug and Lucas requesting special dips for the race that they did not even watch.

And today, well, I got a lot accomplished.  I made decisions regarding mine and the kiddos future. Decisions I am still unsure about, but am willing to tackle head on.  There are a lot of changes that will be taking place in the near future.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

Posted in Ethan & Addison, Family & Friends | 5 Comments »