Mama Knows Best

completely losing my mind.

Why is it that I have so much to say, yet am too scared to say them? I want to share with the world what has been taking place in my life the past several weeks, but am hesitant because what would people think? Would people turn their noses up at me for the decisions I have made or would they nod politely with acceptance? And if my actions were not enough to turn heads, some of the thoughts flowing through this brain of mine would be.

After the last post, I decided to hide out for a few days and re-organize my life. Everything happens for a reason and while I may not know that reason now, I do know that things will work out in the long run. Many changes will be taking place in the near future and while I do not know what what happen yet, I am excited about these changes.

• Ethan received his acceptance letter for Pre-School and begins September 14th.  To say he is excited is an understatement.  Since receiving the letter, he has been making mental notes of the school clothes he would like and the supplies he will need.
• Ethan and Addisons’ new babysitter will be moving into the house within the next two weeks.  Brittanie is an awesome girl.. she’s the little sister I never had and she’s wonderful with the kids.  I am definitely looking forward to this adventure.
• Come November, Lucas will be moving in with me, Brittanie and the kids.  He stayed with us this past winter for a couple of weeks, so it won’t be much different this time around.. he’ll just be staying with us for a little while longer than the last time.
• I crashed a four wheeler two weeks ago.  Nothing major, but it my heel is still hurting beyond belief.  The bruise, lumps and dents are almost 100% faded.  Luckily there was no major damage.
• I am looking at another new laptop, as I miraculously lost mine when J moved out of the house.  I have been looking at an Asus, but do not know enough about them yet.
• I had my lip pierced two weeks ago, but after smashing my face into Lucas’ back while riding four wheelers and then crashing a four wheeler on my own– I had to have the doctor cut the stud out.
• Have I ever mentioned the fact that during the course of this divorce process, I have hoped and prayed that Jeff would find a girlfriend so that my life would be easier?  Well, my wish is quite possibly coming true.  Please keep your fingers crossed for me, as it is the only way my divorce will be civil.
• Both kids have been sick this past week.  Ethan was diagnosed with croup and Addison is having bowel troubles again.  We’re in the process of settling all of it out, but it’s a long process.
• August 9th, Mama Bear & I will be going to see Saving Abel and Bret Michaels.  Odd combination, but we are killing two birds with one stone.  I have wanted to see Saving Abel for a while now and well, Bret Michaels is her heart throb.

Posted in Family & Friends | 1 Comment »

Irresponsible.

You know those moments when you want to just “screw it all?” Well, I am having that moment right now. Getting a divorce has easily been one of the most liberating things for me, but also the most depressing. When I made the decision to walk away from my marriage, I knew full well that I was broke. I also knew it was something that could not be put off and that I would survive, against all odds. I have been actively looking for work and spending as much time with my children as humanly possible. Resumes and applications are always being passed back and forth. I have not worked in over five years and the thought of working again freaks the hell right out of me. And while Jeff is willing to continue paying for things until I find a job, I do not want to rely on him financially. I want to be able to do things for myself. I want to buy things for my children with my hard earned money, I want to finish paying off our rv and being able to pay for insurance on it (once I get an rv insurance quote) and I want to be able to provide for my children 100% on my own so that I can split the child support in half between their bank accounts. I do not have to have a glamorous job and do not expect to find one right away.. I just want to break away once and for all.

Posted in Family & Friends | 2 Comments »

you spin my head right ’round.

Summer is in full swing and while I have been enjoying myself on the weekends, I have also been putting off very important things and avoiding important people. I am trying to wrap my head around things still and putting together our new “norm,” but cannot seem to stay on track. So many distractions have come my way, but tomorrow is a new day and I will once again try to tackle my slacker ways and come out victorious. Or at least, that is the plan. First and most importantly is studying for a test tomorrow evening, then comes the whole catching up on assignments for my online class. Those are the two most important things at the current moment. I will worry about the less important things on Saturday afternoon while I watch the newest member of the family– my three month old nephew Bryce! Together, Bryce and I will tackle my enormous to do list, do a little bit of shopping and order new swimming pool supplies. Unfortunately for Bryce, I will also smother him with kisses and cuddles. It will be my first time watching him and goodness gracious y’all, I’m excited. I miss babies!

Posted in Cleaning, Family & Friends | 2 Comments »

Living like the Amish.

The road of life is rocky and you may stumble too,
So while you point your fingers someone else is judging you.
~ Bob Marley, Could You Be Loved

Friday night, a nasty storm came ripping through our county.  Not only did we lose our power for several days, but many people lost their homes.  I am grateful that my house, as well as Tiffany’s, is still standing and that neither endured much damage.  Not having electricity for a few days definitely sucked, but we made the best of our weekend by barbecuing, lounging in the pool and setting off fireworks.

Friday kicked off the beginning to an awesome weekend.  I took Lucas into town with me Friday afternoon to run errands.  He’s a complete pain in the rear, but we had a good time running errands.  After I dropped him off, I headed into town to watch Max’s ball game and made it home just in time for the storm to hit. Our plans of cooking out Friday evening went down the train, so we had Taco Bell with candlelight instead.  Max and Emmy fell asleep way before dinner arrived, so Tiffany and I were trying to find ways to entertain Anna without the  use of electricity.  Lucas let her shoot off some Roman Candles for a while, then Anna came in the house and had fun courtesy of my bra and digital camera.

Saturday brought better times, though we were still without power.  Tiffany and I ran some errands for her grandmother, picked up Randy, grabbed some beverages and lunch.  We met up at the house for about an hour before deciding it was a good day for swimming.  We were floating around in the pool for about twenty-thirty minutes before the guys decided to come in to town and join in on the festivities.  Once swimming became boring again, we all headed back out to the homestead to shoot off more fireworks, start up the bonfire and throw some food on the grill.  Highlight of the night included:

• Jager bombs with Randy
• Fire safety with Lucas & Randy
• Cuddling with Anna in the lawn chair
• Singing “Crazy Bitch” with Randy as loudly as possible
• Trying to disappear from the crowd, only to be followed ?
• Anna’s impersonations
• Whispering Eye
• Cherry Chapstick

Sunday was not overly exciting.  The gang came over to float around in the pool, I made spaghetti dinner and we had hours of laughter, discussing the night before.  There were things about Saturday that I wish I could take back, but then again, it is what it is.  Those moments, even the bad ones, are what makes it one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time.

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Another one bites the dust.

Life has thrown so many curve balls in my direction this year that I am stuck in a constant whirlwind, never knowing which end is up.  Things have been moving at such a fast pace and for once (in the last three years), I have found myself insanely happy.  My children still come first and always will, but I am also beginning to put myself first again.

Friday night I celebrated Mama Bear’s college graduation from college.  Mama Bear’s husband is a nice guy and while I know he supports his wife’s decision to go back to school, he has not always made it easy.  So for her to finish and with honors, I was ecstatic!

Saturday was a chaotic day filled with driving, my little brother’s graduation party, more driving, visiting with Melissa, visiting with Doug, Tiffany and Lucas and then home, where I crashed for the night at 11pm and slept until about 10:30am.  Something I have not done in ages!  However, my plans to sleep all day were rudely interrupted by Doug and Lucas requesting special dips for the race that they did not even watch.

And today, well, I got a lot accomplished.  I made decisions regarding mine and the kiddos future. Decisions I am still unsure about, but am willing to tackle head on.  There are a lot of changes that will be taking place in the near future.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

Posted in Ethan & Addison, Family & Friends | 5 Comments »

It’s done.

Sometimes the hardest part about life is admitting defeat and breaking another person’s heart. Saturday was my day of admittance, in which I told Jeff our separation was going to be permanent. I set the paperwork on my bed and went outside to entertain the kids while he collected the majority of his things. For months, I have struggled with the decision. Do I divorce him? Do I keep trying to make things work? How do I make things work? And then after a long (unbiased) discussion Friday evening with a very good friend, I made my choice.

Saturday was the day and it was an ugly one. Jeff was hurt, upset, confused and genuinely pissed off. After several hours, he calmed down and called to apologize for his behavior. We discussed the divorce. We discussed custody and child support. It was a pleasant conversation, but very awkward. He picked the kids up yesterday morning to take them to his parents house to celebrate birthday’s. When he dropped the kids off with me last night, he seemed calm. Like maybe he knew this was coming and maybe this was something he wanted/needed too.

I feel like a huge weight as been lifted from my shoulders and that I can finally breathe again. I can live for myself and make myself happy once again. I’ll be completely broke, but I will make things work. I will manage. After all, I have been looking for jobs like a mad lady.

Posted in Family & Friends, Jeff & Jessica | 3 Comments »

Things the boys say.

As if y’all have noticed, but I have been spending a lot of time with Doug, Tiffany and Lucas lately. Like obscene amounts of time. It is probably the happiest I’ve been and the most fun I’ve had in a long time. We laugh constantly and there really is never a dull moment. Doug and Lucas are constantly making smart remarks, some completely appropriate for this blog, others not so much. Lucas, Doug and myself were standing around in front of the garage when Doug finally realizes he left his truck outside (he’s meticulous about his truck being in the garage). Shortly after Doug pulls it into the garage our conversation was something along the lines of this:

Doug: She’s leakin’ like a son of a b*tch. (looking at both Lucas and me).
Me: What are you talking about? I’m not leaking you dumb as$.
Doug: What are YOU talking about?
Lucas: I told you Dougie.. you’re running her hot.. she leaks like the faucets in junior high boys locker room.
Me: Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt… WHO are we talking about?

I totally thought Doug said I was leaking, which did not make much sense, when in turn he was talking about the truck leaking coolant.  Once the topic was done and over with, I went to take a drink from my Sprite only to spill down the front of myself.  Neither one of them can quit laughing and have coined me “Drippy.”   They turn any civil conversation into something inappropriate.

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